It’s a long-running joke that Florida is the phallus of America. We have on occasion taken the joke a step further by asking, “If Florida is America’s dick, what does that make the Keys?” The last month has seen an amazing infusion of jackassery from what we can only assume is America’s splooge. Our own observances on this phenomenon began in the Feb. 17 issue of City Link, in which our JotW award went to Y Le and Vinh Pham, who brutalized one another in a fight that occurred after Y tried to get Vinh to leave his Super Bowl party at 2 a.m. Although Y suffered a broken jaw, he allegedly hit Vinh with a beer bottle and squished the man’s scrotum. Ouch.
The fun continued a couple of weeks later, when a bomb threat at Key West’s Marriott Beachside Resort turned out to be a “sexual stimulating device” (the police report’s words, not ours) accidentally left behind in a room rented by a 61-year-old man who maintained that the device belonged to “a friend.”
And now comes the sordid tale of MEGAN MARIAH BARNES, 37, who was arrested this past Tuesday after allegedly causing an accident near mile marker 21 on Cudjoe Key. According to a story by Adam Linhardt of the Key West Citizen, Barnes (pictured below) had been convicted of DUI (with prior!) the day before the accident. Here’s where it gets weird: She was on her way to visit her boyfriend. Her ex-husband was in the passenger seat.
Now, here’s where it gets extra weird: Wanting to look her best for her boyfriend, Barnes decided to do some pubic grooming while driving. Her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger side, and as she was shaving herself down there, her Thunderbird rear-ended a pickup truck. The ex-couple drove another half-mile and then switched seats, with Barnes’ ex-husband trying to take the fall for the accident — unfortunately for the both of them, the marks left on their bodies from the deployed air bags told a different story.
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Trooper Gary Dunick, who responded to the crash, put it this way: “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago, I stopped a guy in the exact same spot … who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”
Well said, Trooper Dunick, well said. God, we love the Keys.
